I miss you

We did the right thing but I miss you

I miss your touch.  I miss your taste.  I miss your smell.

I love you but we can’t be together.  It became too complicated… it was wrong.

I want to repeat Friday all over again, but I will try not to talk to you.

 

To complicate things further, I had sex last night with another man.  It felt good; it was just sex.  But I wished it was you.

 

I love you.  Goodbye.

via Daily Prompt: Complicated

 

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A taste of the other side

Today is Father’s Day in the UK; I woke up and realised that I hadn’t really given my ex much thought, more affirmation that I have made peace (or at least 99% there) with my divorce and single mother status.  It’s been my way of life since my son was born I don’t know anything else.  But that is not to say I still don’t notice the doting dad’s or feel a pang of envy when I see families together on a Sunday afternoon eating or playing together.  I don’t think that feeling will ever leave me.

Being a single mum, I feel a huge sense of achievement.  I have never really felt sorry for myself, instead focusing on how lucky I am to have my son no matter what the circumstances.  I want to make him proud and show him that you can lead a happy life, as long as you have the right attitude.  And we are happy.

If you read my blog, you will see that my ex husband was having an affair in the last two month’s of my pregnancy.  Upon finding out, when our child was only two weeks old, he left us.  It feels like a lifetime ago now but it was by the far the most testing and emotionally harrowing experience I have ever gone through.  I have come out the other side and for the last year I have been dating and meeting new people, but I ended up in a situation I never would have expected myself to entertain.  I got a taste of being ‘the other woman’ and I have to tell you I hated it.

I met a lovely, funny and charming guy through eHarmony.  He was separated from his wife for only 6 months; I asked him if he was really ready and I have certainly learnt now that dating newly separated men is a huge no no.  We connected straight away, the chemistry was instant and we shared the same ridiculous sense of humour.  In short, I loved talking to him and it was nice to finally meet someone I liked again after such a long time.

From the start he was always honest that he was processing his break up and wanted to take things slowly; I was very understanding but after three months he started to pull back a bit more.  His three year old boy was increasingly affected by the split and his guilt was really kicking in.  I gave him space and we agreed to take a break until he figured things out.  Throw in a seriously scary health scare to follow where he was being tested for cancer (he is now fine), somewhere in that period of time he decided to give things another go with his ex (or his wife).

It felt like a bit of a blow when he told me but I understood.  How could I begrudge someone making a go of things with his partner of 14 years for the sake of their child? I completely respected his decision and we said our goodbyes.  I knew that my feelings were strong but I would never be so selfish as to suggest any other outcome.  In a weird way I felt relieved because I finally had an answer, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.

A week later, my phone pinged and it was him.  Just saying hello.  And again the next day, just saying hello.  And this went for a little while until I finally asked him what was up.  He missed talking to me; missed knowing how I was doing… missed me… It was so nice to hear and yet it didn’t feel right.  Of course I missed him too but I was wary.

Another week passed and he wanted to see me.  And of course I wanted to see him.  The last time I had seen him we had spent a wonderful evening together and we were getting much closer.  It was hard to say no.

And this went on for a while, the back and forth texting, slipping in and out of flirting, semi declaring feelings for one another, until I finally couldn’t do it any longer.

I tell you, I struggle to see how anyone has an affair because honestly I think it must be the worst feeling in the world being the other woman.  It’s not fun, it’s horrible wondering what the other person is doing and it’s full blown crazy to think they are telling you the truth 100% of the time.   I didn’t even have an affair but I got a taste of how easy it was to have one; the temptation is strong, especially when you like someone so much.  But honestly it just gave me constant anxiety and created too much confusion in my mind.  Fundamentally, I knew this was a complete conflict with my values which is why I put an end to the texting (after many attempts I must add which were ignored) but what a bizarre situation to end up in, one I could never have predicted.

I’m not a saint or some sort of angel; saying no to him was hard and I still allowed myself to flirt, messages I’m sure his wife wouldn’t have wanted to read.  But all I could think about was his son, and my son.  And his wife.  How could I ever allow myself to hurt others when I have been in the exact same position.  I felt like my values were being compromised and I needed to remove myself from the situation before I did something I regretted.

I learnt again that you can’t control other people’s values and you can only control your actions.  I tried to reason with him or sympathise that maybe he was torn with his decision, did he do it purely out of guilt, etc.  I always want to believe in the good; but doubt creeps in and you can’t help starting to question if this is another person trying to have their cake and eat it.  Love (and affairs) is complicated; even before my own experience I have never felt it to be black & white, and now unfortunately I feel that in that moment where I too succumbed to temptation, I have also shown myself to be weak.  It’s by no means anything close to what happened to me, but it still feels like a bitter pill to swallow.

After a final confrontation and pleading with him to stop, he has since deleted my number and all contact has ceased.  It’s certainly given me a lot to reflect on and sadly has tainted my experience of dating, but I still have hope that my Mr Right is out there somewhere.

 

Love is a losing game

Except I don’t think it is.  Love isn’t easy, sometimes love sucks.  But we can’t live without love.

Sometimes I question whether it really would be easier to stay alone but I think that is avoiding the vulnerability you will inevitably experience entering into a new relationship; it’s avoiding the roller coaster of emotions trying to work out where it is going and if you can trust again.  But I know that I want to try.

I could stay alone and focus on my son, enjoy my friendships and be grateful for everything in my life that is positive, because boy do I have a great life, but I can’t help feel there will be a void.  A different kind of love that we all seek.

I still believe in the magic, the excitement and the passion.  I want to find my best friend that I can share everything with, the one I can be myself with, and can trust with mine and my son’s life.  I don’t know how long that will take, but I’m willing to try and stay patient.

Love isn’t a losing game, it’s just not an easy game.  But nothing in life is easy and sometimes you have to work at it, no matter how difficult it feels at times.

They say good things come to those who wait.  I do believe that but I also believe that great things come to those who deserve it.  For those of you out there that have ever experienced hardships or difficulties, stay positive and look forward, your time will come.

A letter to my ex

Dear M,

I haven’t written to you in a while but with everything that has been happening recently, and especially since officially getting divorced two weeks ago, there is much I need to say and get off my chest.

It’s heading to 18 months since everything broke down and I found out about your affair.  It’s heading to 18 months that our son was born.  I still look back on that period of four weeks and I often can’t believe it all happened, that so much could happen in such a small space of time.  And yet here I am, still standing, taller, stronger and perhaps happier.

But despite my strength, and my rational and pragmatic take on life, I still feel a lot of anger.  It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, it still feels like yesterday that you turned my world upside down and forced me to become a single mum to our son.

A lot of people say to me that you will realise your mistakes, you won’t be happy with her, you will just do the same to her eventually and so on and so on.  To be honest it doesn’t really matter, in fact I actually don’t think you would do it again because you have experienced first hand the devastation (and financial stress) it causes to so many people.

But until this day you have never really said sorry to me and for that I won’t forgive you.  You come and go every two weeks, you have fun with your son and then you disappear to your new life and we hear nothing from you in between.  You talked about being an active father figure in his life and yet you decided to move 1.5 hours away near her family.  And somehow it’s my fault that you don’t see your son as much as you would like, somehow it’s my fault that you have made so many wrong and questionable decisions in your life.

I want you to know that no matter what the status of your relationship is with my boy in the future, I will never respect you.  I can never respect anyone who behaved the way you did, at such a poignant time in our lives, or someone who can ultimately walk away from their family and not think they did anything wrong.  I cannot see a situation where you and I will be anything more than civil, largely because you have never tried to rectify any of the wrongdoings you set in motion, not because a relationship of sorts could have been salvaged.

I want you to know that every Christmas Day, my son will be with me.  Every birthday he will be with me and every milestone that is worth celebrating, will be with me.  I will not miss out on the key moments of his life because of you, I already have had to give up so much.  And she will never be welcome at any of these events and no amount of time will change that.

I am not sure you will ever truly appreciate just how much damage you caused.  I am never going to understand how someone can walk out on their two week old baby and wife who experienced severe complications post delivery; I will never understand how you couldn’t be there for us when we needed you.  It was almost not even human.  But something tells me we will be ok and we will be much happier in the long run, god knows we deserve it.

They say the word hate was described for situations like these, and as much as I know it’s not healthy to hold on to anger, I do hate you at this present moment in time.  I know it will pass, with each month and each new adjustment to our situation, it will pass, but I will never forgive you for making me share time with my son and for abandoning us.

D

Hate musings..

One of those days…

I hate you

I hate you for making me share time with my son

I hate you for making my son have to share his time

I hate you for walking out

I hate you for not being a better person

I hate you for being selfish

I hate you for not understanding what it is you have done

I will never forgive you and it’s because you have never sought forgiveness. Being nice to my face every 2 weeks means nothing, it’s a superficial disguise on the surface, but what is underneath is not the same.

Ultimately I hate you for being a poor father and an even poorer husband.

Actions speak louder than words

Over the Christmas period, and following on from the final solicitors meeting, I felt myself starting to soften.  In the last meeting in mid December, I felt as if I was sitting opposite a broken man.  Until today, despite the odd bumps here and there, he has never turned nasty and has pretty much given me what I needed (not wanted, needed) financially – I suppose you can call that guilt money.

I asked how he was feeling at the end of that meeting and his response was ‘depressed’, that he thinks about our son a lot.  I took the courage to ask him if he was happy and why didn’t he do anything if he wasn’t.  His response was that the damage was already done.  I felt sad, I started to believe that this was all such a sad situation, that there was underlying remorse. ‘Why us’

But then at Christmas he reminded me that he can’t be trusted by trying to introduce his girlfriend to our son behind my back – something I have made clear on numerous occasions I won’t stand for. He was tired of doing things on my terms, now it was his time to do what he pleased.

And even yesterday as I sat there telling him off and asking him to respect the process and behave better, he did it again and played with my emotions. I pointed out that none of this is on my terms, I didn’t ask for any of it and whilst he doesn’t care about me, he should prioritise his son better. He went on to tell me that he does care about what happened and that coming to our home is always a reminder of what he has lost. He seemed almost sad.  For a moment, I felt the sadness creep in. ‘He’s sorry’.  ‘He misses our old life’.  ‘Why did he have to make such a mistake, why couldn’t we fix it’.  Those are the thoughts that enter your mind if you let them.

But ultimately actions speak louder than words.  And that for me is what I need to hold on to, what I need to remember.  Did he fight to save our marriage? Did he stop having an affair when his son was born? Did he stop or pause his affair when I almost died giving birth? Did he ever stop and think about what he was doing? No.  Instead he was never present or supportive in my last trimester; whilst I was in hospital recovering, they were looking for places to live, and when I found out about the affair he was very clear that he loved her and wanted to be with her and so he left.  Two days after our relationship ended he put a deposit down for his new home with his new girlfriend.  These are the actions he took – a grown man – the choices that he ultimately made.

No matter how much he tries to convey a man that cares or a man that is sorry, he never once sought true forgiveness.  The financial disclosure of his bank statements showed me just how little thought he gave me in my last trimester when he was staying with her or when I was in hospital trying to recover from serious post natal complications, without my husband by my side.  And not just me, but our son.

Yes that’s right – actions speak louder than words.  And when they have ultimately taken little action to rectify their mistakes or seek redemption (and guilt money does not count), then that is all you need to remember, that a) you deserve better and b) never feel sorry for them or fall into the sad trap. Rise above it and carry on moving onwards and upwards.

New year, new memories

A brief last post of 2014 from me.

It’s crazy to think about how much has changed in my life in the space of 8 months. 2014 brought me my son and so I have been blessed with a gift that I will cherish and enjoy for the rest of my days. Because of my son I will say 2014 was a good year.

And of course there was change. Sadness, deceit, anger and betrayal. Ups and downs, highs and lows. Throughout all of this I know have remained strong and still today, I find myself shocked at how the actions of one selfish person can have such a significant impact, but maybe that was my life lesson for 2014. Maybe my son and I are better off.

2015 will be my opportunity to start afresh and there will be continued change. I will return to work, my son will go to nursery and sleep in his own room, he will perhaps see his father more, I will start dating and take up new hobbies and meet new friends. We are likely to move house and build new memories in our new home.

All in all, whilst it’s not easy, I want to be able to always teach my son that no matter what is thrown at us, we are blessed and we have a good life. We have each other and we are fortunate to have our amazing family supporting us throughout.

What will 2015 bring for my cheating ex-husband? Who knows what goes through his head. He didn’t have a Christmas with his son and it’s his fault. At some point he will wake up and realise he can’t have his cake and eat it, something he still tries to do. Maybe he will realise the grass isn’t greener but he needs to fall out of infatuation and mature a little so that is unlikely to hit him let’s be honest.

Most of all I hope 2015 brings acceptance, the last stage of the grief cycle where you can finally make peace and move on. I am not there yet but I hope to be soon.

Happy New Year everyone, peace be with you all.